Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I AM VODKA MAN
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
