she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In America we eat man semen.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
