i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
