my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
