I can text with my tongue
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
