So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize