so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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