omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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