It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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