if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
