So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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