And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am available for nakedness
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
