it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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