Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
