She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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