chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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