I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
