I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
