so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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