It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
