I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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