Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
