I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
