every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
