my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
