Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
