Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
