Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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