I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
