oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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