she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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