How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
