im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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