from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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