I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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