We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
