dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
