franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
