Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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