If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
