I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
