I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
