yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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