i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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