We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
