I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
