I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
