You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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