I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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