im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
