i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
