I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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