my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The air was thick with penises
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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