My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just puked most of my soul out..
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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