No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
