Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Congratulations! We have a period
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