I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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