I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
