I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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